The Fear in My Face

I was sure that I could not make it through another night without sleep. I simply could not.  It had bee 5 days since my son had been born and I had gotten no more than 2-3 hours each night.  It wasn’t just that he woke up to eat, my husband took turns giving him a bottle, no it was all in my head.  My mind was spinning from anxious thoughts about all the things that could tear this new baby that I loved beyond measure, from me.  I was SO scared.  I felt panic the minute I began to doze off.  “What if he stops breathing?”  “What if David drops him while feeding him the bottle?”  “What if I lose touch with reality and can’t take care of him?”  

I was a mess, I needed to sleep but it was simply impossible.  I couldn’t do it.  I could not go on.  The panic was sneaking up on me again, making me want to vomit with worry.  I woke my husband up and began crying, “I can’t do this,” I said.  “I can’t.  I’m not meant to be a mom.”  He sat up and hugged me.  “You are a great mom,” he said.  “You are doing fine.”  “Well, I don’t feel fine,” I snapped.  “I feel like I’m dying.”  I couldn’t think of a single thing that would help.  “Will you pray for me?”  I asked him half heartedly. And so he prayed, “Dear God, please help her to relax and be able to fall asleep.  Please take away her worries and fear.  Show us what to do/Amen.”  I still was on edge but I lay back down and fell asleep for a few hours.  The next day I called my doctor.  I told him that I couldn’t sleep, that I was at the end of my rope.  I was losing my mind.  

He saw me right away, adjusted my medications.  I talked to my therapist, she helped me combat the lies that daily attacked my confidence and will to live.  And through it all I prayed, I prayed like my life depended on it because in a way it did...it still does.  

And I did the thing I thought I could not do...I slept.  I ate.  I became a mom.  But I did not do this alone.  I could not do it alone, as desperately as I wanted to be self-sufficient.  I needed others.  I needed God.  And I still do.  When I nag and complain it is only because I am forgetting that when I was stuck in the mud, messy, crying and unable to get up I did not pull myself out.  I forget that I needed help.  And when I needed help you gave it, even if you didn’t know it.  You: readers, students, friends, family, the love of my life and God himself.  Thank you.  I could not have made it without you.