Never

       I’m a fairly superstitious person. I’ve always chalked it up to being from New England.  You can't be a Red Sox fan without a healthy fear of  jinxes…both big and small: upside down horse shoes, black cats, walking under ladders, “calling” a no-hitter when the pitcher is having a golden game, and my personal plague: saying “never."  The very utterance of the word "never" works to ensure that the thing is bound to happen. 

Perhaps the most ironic of my “never” declarations comes from my fear of being a mother.  There is no job for which I feel more ill-equipped and terrified of than that of raising small human beings into decent, God fearing adults. Mothers are 24/7 life or death decision-making executives for 18+ years straight.  This job description doesn’t play to my strengths. I mean I see both sides of every decision. I may take a definitive stance on whether or not I want my appetizer when it's ready or with the others.

      And then….of course…because I said never, I became a mom. Within hours I realized that there is no way to prepare for being a parent. It was far more difficult than I predicted  and yet exceeded any joy I could have imagined. Still, it was terrifying to continually have someone depending on me for their basic needs.  So, I maturely and promptly vowed never to have another child. 

But apparently, jinxes are stronger than birth control and only 25 months later my next baby was born, a beautiful tiny girl with perfect pink lips and striking blue eyes.  A boy and a girl, both healthy and beautiful, I might be overwhelmed but I knew this kind of happy doesn't come around often.  I had everything I never dreamed of and I never planned on having a third.

Yet again, one year later I learned we were (despite all medical explanations) having a third. This was by far the most scary and taxing of my pregnancies.  To be honest, most of it I can’t remember: dehydration, hemorrhaging, constant nausea and lapses in and out of  consciousness.  I learned the hard way I had to depend on others just to survive. And after a complicated and traumatic delivery, I was told that having another child would be a huge risk.  I was not worried, I was happy that this third tiny person was in my arms and I never needed to go through all that again.

  Four years passed and I started to get cocky, all my children were potty trained and out of early intervention.  We didn’t need to lug a stroller or diaper bag everywhere, heck my kids could even buckle their own car seats.  The really insane infant/ toddler stage had passed and both the kids and I had survived.  I even got to sleep through the night on a regular basis. Nope, I was never having another kid.  But I am getting smarter with age and I realized that with my luck I could take no chances.  So, I went to my OB-GYN to have an IUD put in.  As part of the “pre-op” they had to give me a pregnancy test to make sure there was no baby already occupying that space. 

There was.  The doctor came back with the strangest look on her face like she was as shocked as I was that modern medicine is truly no match for fate. I was…I am...having a fourth baby.

  My whole world came crashing down on my head.  I’d already lost my career, my health, my independence once, how could I do it again?  Could I even live through the next nine months?  And as I sat in my long awaited, seemingly huge SUV, after years of squeezing three babies in a sedan, I realized we would once again have no extra seats or room to pack anything other than baby gear.  I began to sob. 

Then a verse sprang into my heart so clearly I had to sit up and think, “Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it.”  Maybe the "curse of never" wasn’t fate, or superstition or a cruel joke. None of the things I had said, "never"  to are mere detours or cosmic mistakes, they are the best of me.  So, I think it's about time this "advanced age maternal patient"  trade in my weak superstitions and finally live by faith in a God who loves me, no matter what, who is a better parent than I will ever be, who fills in the gaps when I fall down and fail.  The God for whom nothing is impossible.

Heartland

I have this problem.  Well, my husband sees it as a problem...I see it more as a strength but... it can be a problem.  

I put myself in whatever book, movie or TV show I happen to be watching.  Hence, I may get a little too attached to the characters.  

So when my mother-in-law and sister-in-law introduced me to Heartland.  I immediately decided the spunky, talented and beautiful protagonist Amy could be my alter ego for the show.   Amy has an incredible gift of listening to horses and understanding what they need to be trained properly. 

The show is really very wholesome (it is Canadian after all).  And I just love to watch myself....I mean Amy.... work with the horses.  I love how she gets a random idea and tries it.  

I love how she listens. 

I want to listen like that. The thing is, I have no horses.  

I do however, have small children.  

So what would it be like if I really listened to my kids?

Here are some notes I took on Amy’s “method" and then applied to my kids, my husband, even to my relationship with God. (Heck yes I take notes when I watch TV.... lay off I have OCD.)

1. Amy pays attention to everything.  The smells that calm the horses, the food they like, the places they like to spend time.  She notices details.  A lot of the scenes are just her putting her hand on the horses neck or back.  (This may be why some family members aren’t as huge fans of the show as I am:)  

~Do I listen to my kids this way?  Do I give them hugs, do I let them sit on my lap? (even though it feels like I’m being smothered to death)  

~Do I listen to my husband at all?   I know he loves lemon chicken but I HATE making it, so I usually don’t.  (FAIL.) 

~ Do I set aside time to just be? To listen to God.  Not to laundry list pray about all my worries but to hear God? 

2.  Amy’s process is not linear.  It takes time.  She doesn’t rush or try to make the horse into something it is not.  She has to come up with tons of different ideas for each unique horse.  

~ Am I willing to SLOW DOWN? Ann Voskamp says, “Hurry hurts kids” and I find that so convicting because “hurry” is my default speed.  

~Am I willing to make a point to spend time with my husband?  Not time with an agenda where I barrage him with the info from the day that I have to pass along.  Time simply together. 

~  Am I willing to read the Bible slowly?  Not just get it done because it makes me feel better to know I did something “good” today (amidst all my failures) but to soak it in.  

I may never be a horse whisperer in real life... but I truly desire to become a better listener...and learn how to rock the heck out of cowboy boots.

Life Together

This is one of my favorite photographs of all time.  

         I am sorry that I didn’t post last week...but only a little sorry because I had the rare and awesome privilege of spending some real quality time with my best friend celebrating our 20 years of friendship.  I would blog about that but we pinky swore we’d never tell any of each other’s secrets but I can tell you this...

         As we sat and caught up,  I was reminded of how much it can hurt to grow up and how much it means to have a friend or two by your side.  I was reminded of other friends that I have since lost touch with, and some who I see occasionally.  I wrote this for them, and for myself.  

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You had another life once.  A long time ago.  It’s hard to remember now.  It seems almost unreal between the diapers and the sleep schedules.  You had a life where you were only responsible for you.  You were so funny, and shy, and spontaneous.  You spent your mornings catching up on teenage romances in the offing, and your afternoon at practice, running till your lungs burned and then running some more.  And then the fun, yes there was the homework but somehow that always got squeezed in between the ice cream runs, the movie nights, the skinny dipping, the AIM chats, and the bonfires.  But above all, there was prayer.  I’m not sure where I would be if not for your prayers.  Remember that.  

We had a life together once.  We were so young, and all we wanted was to know God’s will, to lead exciting lives that brought glory to him.  We really wanted that. 

I'm pretty sure no one looks their best in this pic but I just love the people in it.

We didn’t know that we were already on the adventure.  We were so curious about what was to come.  And had we known, we may have turned back.  But we didn’t---not in the face of friends lost, not when our hearts were broken, not when we had to wait and wait and wait for what seemed a simple pleasure or even a God given right.  We didn’t turn back because neither height, nor depth, not even anxiety disorders or broken families can separate us from God’s love.  As Peter said, “Where would we go?  What would we do?” 

And so in the dark hours when our wounds would not stop oozing, we went back to prayer.  And on our knees  our hearts began to heal.  All that rejection, all that disappointment, all those we’ve lost began to wash away until we came clean again.  In older, stretched and injured bodies our hearts are still young.  Laughter and faith keeps them that way.  

I miss you my friend.  When we are together I remember what friendship is all about, the adventure.  The pursuit of holiness, not for ourselves (although, we have sworn to enjoy the ride) but for His glory, for His kingdom come, for a LOVE that heals and restores and reunites.  

Winter Storm Linus

I love seeing the snow accumulate through the night.  I know  it seems a little excessive lately.  But, I don’t mind waking up to the muffled scrape and rumble of plows.  It never fails to amaze me how the billions of flakes shape the dead sticks and stones into a marble masterpieces.

Lately, James’ favorite song for me to sing to him before bed in “Nothing but the Blood”  

The repeating question is gruesome, for an almost 4 year old; but it’s the question our heart asks each one of us:

“What can make me white as snow?  Nothing but the blood of Jesus.”

And that is the gospel truth. Somewhere deep down I don’t want to admit it but I know I’m not okay.  I know that my mistakes, my sins, my hatred are heavy and deadly. If I got perfect payback it would kill me.  And so, I frantically search...

“What can make me okay again? What can turn the ugly parts in my life beautiful?” 

It’s what a famous theologian (whose name I should definitely know) calls “The Great Exchange.”  Jesus takes all my baggage and I am credited with his perfect life, all of his goodness.  My debt of death is paid.  

As the song says, we have been “white  as snow.” Fortunately, this is an eternal truth.  Here, snow doesn’t stay white for long, and we wouldn’t either.  

But God fills the craters of self hatred...forever.

His grace and power give a sheen and sparkle to the most drab and hopeless things about us.  

We are continually covered by his sacrifice and made into masterpieces.  

A New Year, A New Start

It has been so long since I wrote on here, I feel almost like a guest blogger.  So, I picked a Wednesday to return.  Please forgive me if I drop off the earth again...I am scheduled to have a baby sometime in the next two months and based on the last two it really could be ANY time.  

But felt I should get back into the habit because I have the honor of contributing to two online publications that I am very excited about!

The first is entitled Faith InForm.  

Here’s a brief introduction from the editor and our intrepid leader, Simon Wha:

“The Faith InForm bloggers are a group of friends who have a deep desire to see young adults be transformed by the Gospel in mind, heart and deed. Our bloggers are committed to writing content that draws from their faith, the bible and their personal experiences. We hope this is helpful in informing the faith of our readers. The writing they do for Faith InForm comes from a love for blogging, a heart for people and their own time and energy. They come from all walks of life including but not limited to husbands and wives, moms and dads, pastors and working professionals.”

(He’s not joking when he says it’s an eclectic group.  I picture this as our musings on our faith since we went off the script.  You know, started making decisions for ourselves, tried to figure out what makes me...well, me and started to search for how in the world we find meaning in this crazy world .  Anyway, I look forward to the result.)

The second publication I am thrilled to be included in is already an established entity entitled: The Prodigal Chair. 

I love this site.  I love the name.  I love the art work. I love the variety of submissions.  Here is a more succinct description from the fabulous editor Thomas Guzzio, 

“So what do I have in mind? My goal with Prodigal’s Chair is simple: to take small steps towards understanding large topics like love, race, sports, economic justice, abortion, music, the environment, war. The essence of Prodigal’s Chair will involve looking past the topic in order to create discourse between the people in and around them. My hope is to let this discussion occur in abstract and concrete ways. There will be a variety of art, poetry, essays, fiction, music, statistics, and links all dictated by the topic. This site will essentially be an online magazine, with the goal of having a mix of voices and perspectives. Aside from that, there will be no judgment, no strings attached.”  

Please visit the site and read his whole vision statement and reasoning behind the name, it’s deep.  

Finally, I felt it was time to write because I miss all you readers.  I miss sitting down to think and the conversations that spark from these random thoughts I think. Thank you for bearing with me during this crazy season of life.

Spoiled by Simon Wha

http://sarahjhwangphoto.blogspot.com/2014/06/e-simon-christine.html

Last night, my fiancé and I were sitting down and watching musicians practice for our rapidly approaching wedding ceremony. As we were watching them, she said something profound. She leaned over and said “Gosh, we’re so spoiled.” And in that moment, there was 100% agreement. If you were sitting down with us watching these friends play music, you’d know what I’m talking about. If you put a book down in front of me and asked me to read it out loud, I’d surely slip up with some sort of reading mistake.

 (Funny side note, I always read the word “misled” as "my-zulled.” I don’t know why. It’s a gap in my brain).



Anyway, these friends of ours could look at a score of some classical piece and play it better than I could read “Cat In The Hat." No mistakes, no hiccups. Flawless. So of course in that moment, yes, we felt spoiled with friends who love us and want to play music for our ceremony.

As I walked away from that practice, my fiancé’s statement hit me harder than I had anticipated. During this past year, I’ve been continually reminded of how much God actually loves His children and that we are utterly spoiled. When I say “children”, I don’t mean all of humanity. I mean His adopted children who were once far off but are now near. 

http://sarahjhwangphoto.blogspot.com/2014/06/e-simon-christine.html

The reality for God’s children is that everything in this life is a giant-ass cherry on top. Consider what your sins deserve. Consider your tendency towards rebellion. Consider your subversive disposition. Consider how by nature and choice, you’ve sinned against a Holy, spotless, perfect God. And then consider that even in all of that, God has spoken the words “I love you and will not treat you as your sins deserve.” Consider that He has given His beloved Son in your stead in the midst of your rebellion and has secured your future forever.

God has given what you could never attain. And yet, day after day, He gives gifts upon gifts. He has given me friends that support me financially, He has given me a soon-to-be wife who loves me despite all my flaws, He has given me parents who work tirelessly to provide for me in places I can’t, and the list goes on and on and on. Spoiled indeed.

This is not to neglect or undermine a life filled with serious hurt, trauma and struggle. But as a loving Father, He has rhyme and reason for all of it. One day, He’ll let you know why. One day, He’ll undo every ounce of torment in this life. One day, He’ll use all of it to remind you how amazing He really is and that He actually knew what He was doing.

“He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?” -Rom 8:32

http://sarahjhwangphoto.blogspot.com/2014/06/e-simon-christine.html

Paul’s basically saying, “You’re freaking spoiled.” Believe it. 

Big Plans: The year long decision we didn't make

Last September we had a choice to make: should we continue to go to the church we have been attending for the 8 years we’ve lived here or should we join the group from the church who was planting an urban church near our neighborhood.  

The decision we kept coming to was “neither.” Honestly, both were really good options but neither felt right.  We both felt dis-ease and unsettled in our hearts.  So we started looking into moving, like far away, like back to CA or anywhere warm really.  David had been in Puerto Rico with his best friends from growing up and we both realized how much we miss the surf and sun.  

Almost as soon as we thought about moving David got a job offer from a company in TX.  He turned them down but we decided we should check out the opportunities there.  I immediately began to freak out.  Then I started the following dialogue with David (a monologue really since I never gave this to him or read it aloud...cause that just seemed weird):

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"I know in my heart that we should go.  I can just sense it.  

I heard it in my mom’s voice...  “It’s an idea whose time has come.”  I saw that through her grief at losing her only two grandchildren that she still felt peace and trusted God who is the author of all great ideas in the first place.  

I knew it on our 7 year anniversary, when I wrote our vows out from Ruth, “Where you go, I will go...where you die, I will die.  Your people will be my people and your God my God.  May God deal with me ever so severely if anything but death separates us.”

I knew it when I read Glimpses of Grace Chapter 9 about hardship and how God takes away our pacifiers so that we can have him.  Even if we are happy with our pacifiers, they aren’t the best God has for us.  

I knew it when the dark started coming earlier and earlier and the cold let us play outside less and less.  And J.Wynn screamed about his gloves falling off before we even got to the bottom of the stairs

I knew it when  people who would cut off their arms for us to stay said that we should follow the lead of the Spirit and not quench it.  

When you went to TX randomly walked in on a board meeting at ---- Homes and then the CEO emailed you back even though I wrote a very open ended/ badly written email to him.  When he wanted to see your resume and references and has space for you.  

I still get sad to think about our amazing neighbors...not to mention the best land lady in the world

I hate the idea of leaving when:

A friend gives an unbelievable talk on gospel and I realize I have so much more to learn.

I meet a host of new people who I’d love to get to know but don’t feel I have the time. 

I sit at the park with other moms watching our kids enjoy the neighborhood and their friends.  

But I have to let them go.  It has taken a year to come to this decision but here we are.  At the crossroads."

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Once the spring arrived, I narrowed my rambling thoughts down into a list (as I am wont to do:)

March 19th, 2014

Here is why today I think we should move:

1. David is more important to me than any friend.  Leaving my friends will be hard but it will drive David and I closer together if we let it
2. The guy actually emailed him back with three exclamation marks!!!!
3. We would be closer to CA and could do PC as a family!
4. Having David home is more important than any friends the kids have
5. I want to take this scary plunge and have a life of adventure together
6. 5 amazing properties for rent within our budget
7. I am excited about my homeschooling ideas to supplement whatever school they have there

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Next, I started planning

If I move to AUSTIN...

I get the opportunity to start over, totally fresh and there are not many opportunities to do that in life.  So if I move to Austin.... I will:

-Count 1,000 gifts

-Take time to be outside every single day

 -Learn to be honest and accurate when I tell stories

-Not create the piles that drive David so crazy

-Put up family photos!

-Pray every day with David

-Get up with David to make breakfast and lunch

-Learn Spanish

-Limited Screen Time and buy a battery operated clock with alarm.

-Be a Hands Free Mama

-NOT be a gossip or news bearer

Not forgetting back-up plans:

And if we don’t move...

   So if Austin falls through, then what?

Was it to get me to officially quit my job and use my retirement to pay off some debts?

Was it to teach me how to submit to my husband even when I am not sure what is best?

Was it so that I would un-enroll J.Wynn from pre-school?  

Was it so that I could appreciate with fresh eyes the beauty of the community on our block and the greenery of the trees that the abundance of lakes and water?

Wherever we go what I truly care about is:

1. Prayer life, being led by the Spirit
2. Quality time together as a family ( I think David and I need to talk about what this looks like for us.)
3. Quality time as a couple.  (again...need to discuss)

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Finally David actually went there and came back with a great job offer.  

So we decided to move...and the first ones to find out where David’s best friends who live there, who we were super excited about being neighbors with...

March 31st 

The reaction:

It was the night of the big decision and it could have gone either way.  We called up David's friend M. and his family.

     Junior was wanting him to go watch Casey at the Bat.  M. put on his cowboy hat and his best texas drawl.  Then he invited his wife in from cooking dinner to convince us too.  Once they were all in there saying how they wanted us to come I had to tell them.  David and I had just been fighting about it being his decision.  But it is mine too.  I want this adventure with him.  It is going to make us closer, more loving, better parents.  I am excited.  But M., he was dancing around the room like a maniac with Junior.  I was cracking up:)  

What was most inspiring to me was David’s stoic response amidst all M.’s craziness.  He took it all in stride and let his best friend wear himself out.  Then later he and M. talked a bit more on the phone but I was so happy to see that I am not the only one he doesn’t give a reaction to.  

April 3rd

It's funny that now that we know we are leaving we are freed up to do all kinds of fun things.  I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from David’s shoulder’s.   Tonight we had Korean food with our neighbors and just sat talking, laughing and eating together.  It was priceless.

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And suddenly, 3 weeks before we were planning to move.  It all fell through.  I’d been praying for a sure sign and this really felt like it. Every door that had seemed opened slammed in our face.  It didn’t feel good.  For as happy as I was at the prospect of staying it didn’t feel good to have our whole world turned upside down again.  The spinning cycle of uncertainty threw me into a panic.

1. How can we go on with David working 50-60 hours a week and commuting 10-12?

2. Why doesn’t it seem like we are growing in our faith like we want to be?

3. How can we afford to stay?

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Last week (when I realized that we will almost certainly be living here for at least another year)... God did an amazing thing!  

He showed us his love through all of you.  Seriously, every: kind word, morsel of food, load of laundry, prayer, penny, hundred dollar bill, word of wisdom or moment together we have received with inexplicable gratitude.  

Thank you for showing us how God loves us: here or there, near or far, poor or rich, good or bad.  So, if you are far away we still miss you and would love to be closer.  And yup, if you live near us you are stuck with us at least a little longer:)  That’s the story of us and the lone star state. 

Who Am I?

“Jesus was totally unpredictable.”    A friend said that to me last  week and it has been stuck in my head.

Jesus was totally unpredictable and I CAN NOT figure him out.  I’ve read the Bible a lot.  After all, it was my major in college: Biblical Interpretation. Yet, I could never have predicted his next move, or response to various people.
Somehow, I find it freeing because all my efforts to find the pattern he used or, the lifestyle he choose or, the perfect words at the perfect moment, the perfect balance in life is just too much.
I think the problem is, I am trying to figure out Jesus in order to figure out myself.

Most of my life is an effort to figure out what “type” of person I am or should be for optimal quality of life.  I find myself wanting to turn the conversation to myself whenever I get a chance, longing to get to a deeper level of friendship with people so that I can know what they really think of me.  (Wow, that is a little uncomfortably honest).

Am I more introverted or extraverted?  Am I an academic or an athlete (ok don’t laugh, I still aspire to be athletic or at least athletically minded).  Am I liberal or conservative?    Am I a happy person or a depressed one?

The answer really depends on the day and on the circumstances.

I have always felt like this was a bad thing, that I should be so rock solid in my faith and my identity that nothing could phase me.  But I know deep down that I am totally confused about who I am at all.

So, I utilize what I call “The Essay Approach to Life.” (Based on the three best ways to organize an informative essay.)

• I try and define myself.  I get on this quest to find the correct definition of me.  I ask friends and family.  I ask my kids.  Sometimes, I  am so desperate to figure myself out that I ask strangers, “What kind of person do I seem like to you?”  (The answer to that is almost always... “a crazy one”)  
• I try and compare and contrast myself.  This one is a recipe for disaster.  I compare myself to people I wish I was more like and I contrast myself to people I dislike. I feel bad even saying that I dislike some people but it’s true...probably not you because you are reading this... but I do this compare and contrast thing and it’s exhausting and totally based on my perceptions of other people which are almost always wrong.  
• I try to figure out the cause and effect of who I am...what made me like this.  I delve into the past.  I dig up old memories and rehash old arguments.  I nurse old wounds and savor old victories.  I write the story of my life based on events and cataclysmic moments.  

This week I realized that applying ELA methodology to the nature of my existence is not really very helpful.

So, how do I move past this obsession so I can get on with living?

And I know all Christians out there are thinking, “You are the daughter of God, you are Beloved.”  That is the right answer.  I know it.  I believe it.

But honestly, (and I mean like super duper honestly...embarrassingly honestly...) I’ve heard that so much I’m not sure what that even means.

Which scares me because then I’m like, if I were a real Christian I would “get it.”

Here are some things that I don’t get about Jesus:

1. Sometimes he seems really harsh (...but then, can you respect someone who doesn’t even have the capacity for hard truths.)  I guess I can respect it but I definitely don’t get it.  
2.  He tells us to be alert and self controlled because he is coming back “like a thief in the night.”  (what does that mean and how can we not worry and still be alert?)
3. He says that he didn’t come to abolish the law and yet Christians don’t follow the laws.

Here are some things I love about Jesus:

1. -He had compassion on the weak, the poor and the sick.
2. -He healed people!
3. -He tells us not to worry.

Maybe I need to stop trying to “get it.” Maybe Jesus doesn’t want us to figure it all out...to figure him out.  And maybe it is not that important for me to be able to characterize myself succinctly (you know just to make it easier for the many biographers who, I am sure, will want to immortalize me after my death).  Once I let that go, I can stop trying to perfect my image.  I can actually talk to people and not just try to analyze how I am talking to people.  I can live and breathe and love.   It may be a little or even a lot unpredictable but then again, unpredictable doesn't seem so bad any more.

Marathon Monday

Before I start my ramblings I just wanted to say that if you are not from Suffolk county MA you may not have known that yesterday was Patriot’s Day aka Marathon Monday.  I was SO amazed and moved by the Boston Marathon yesterday.  It was truly awesome.  It made me think that if any readers out there are running races/raising money for charities please let me know (here or via facebook)  and I’d love to give you a guest post to let everyone know about it!

Tomorrow, my youngest sister and I are making an audition video to be on The Amazing Race, my all time favorite show of life.  The upcoming season will be the 25th and I am dying to be on it.  I have to confess I’ve stayed up later than is wise watching youtube videos of other people who have applied and comparing them to myself and my sister.  At first I was sure we were a shoe in.  I mean please, if you know either one of us you know the season would be chalk full of my sister’s daring feats of courage interwoven with scenes of me fighting my OCD tendencies but likely succumbing and requesting total strangers rearrange themselves to suit my organizational preferences.

But then, I realized that 20,000 other people are applying.  20,000 other people who are quirky and fun and want desperately to run this race.  And I can’t find a way to make myself stand out from the crowd.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not giving up, we are still shooting the video tomorrow and hoping to get on.  It’s just that, this in tandem with witnessing the runner’s willpower and endurance at the marathon made me consider anew the feelings of inadequacy that haunt me.  

Picture me, at the laundromat with 6 washers full of dirty clothes soiled with my kid’s spit up, “accidents”, and straight up dirt; hazardous construction material stains thanks to my husband and, worst of all, yellow armpit stains on ALL of my white shirts.  And these stains aren’t coming from intense physical training or rigorous daily activity.  Nope, these stains are all just part of regular everyday.  And I started to be what  Rachel Jankovic calls a “crankster” instead of a “thankster.”  

In other words as I stood there (wearing some stretched out yoga capris and a bleach stained blue tie dyed t-shirt because everything else has to be washed.)  I started to despair about everything :

-There is no way some random judges are going to find me “good enough” to be on National TV.

-There is no way I’ll ever have a story worth publishing.

-There is no way I’ll ever have the time or energy to train for distance running again now that I have kids.

-There is no way we will ever get out from under our college/ grad school debts and be able to do anything exciting.

And what is hard is that I’m right.  

There is very little statistical chance that I will ever publish a book, run the Boston Marathon, be on the Amazing Race or have the financial security I crave.  BUT, that is good for me.  Because if I was guaranteed those things I would, “boast against [God], ‘My own strength has saved me.’” (Judges 7:2)   

So, I’ve fallen a bit behind in my resolution to read through the Bible chronologically but today I came to the story of Gideon in Judges 7.  

Gideon is a lot like me.  He is a coward.  He asks God for like 200 signs to be sure that he is really supposed to fight against the Midianites who are murdering and oppressing his people.  You really should read the story (see reference above) but to sum it up God uses Gideon and 300 men to route thousands of violent enemies. 

Now, I am not in mortal danger, and I do not have thousands of enemies.  But there are thousands of people and obstacles out there who stand between me and my goals.  My tendency is to gather up all my resources and willpower to blast through to what I want.  This is not a very healthy way to live life.  

Here is the sort of life I want to live, the sort of person I want to be... 

I don’t want to envy others their victories or allow comparisons to sully my self-esteem, 

I don’t want to be an arrogant braggart because things go my way.

I don’t want strength, endurance, money or fame to be more important to me than my family and friends.  

I want to appreciate the moments I am given.

I want to enjoy the peaceful whir of the laundromat

I want to trust God in all things...even the Amazing Race