Monday, March 3, 2014

Hard Times

I wrote this a while back when I was feeling down.  This morning when I woke up with a sore throat and a throbbing headache I thought it'd be an appropriate post for the day...

"All I can smell are diapers.  And it makes me want to cry but I don’t.  It is 5:30am and I am alone, for once.  There is quiet and peace.  Well, there should be peace but my heart is in such turmoil it burns my ears.  Every beep of the microwave, every truck passing by grates on my nerve.  And my heart swells with sobs that just can’t seem to make it to my eyes and I am lost.  The weight is so heavy on my heart, holding down my tears, trapping my breath.  

And I’m not sure what the issue is, if it’s the money I feel like I need or the life I live.  Is it my failures or the way others keep seeming to fail me?  There is an ache and an exhaustion to this burden.  

“Oh Lord, be my help,”  My son spoke these words over breakfast yesterday and shocked me into silence.  “It’s my memory verse,” he informed me. 

“Oh Lord, be my help” because I cannot seem to help anyone else, least of all myself, and yet my days are consumed with trying, with trying to be some use to those in need yet feeling so needy I can barely contain it.  I feel alone.  

And what do I do about the dreams?
About the test I keep on failing and don’t have money to gamble on a pass?
About the dream job that opens up and then snaps shut right in my face?
About the disappointment of not being able to go to weddings and to see family?
About the frustration of not having money to join a gym or replace things that are broken?
About constantly knowing I might have to pack up everything and move back home, away from my friends and family, away from my job and joys.  Leaving the city that I love, the trails I have trod, the memories I have made.  

I want to remember this for when we have money.  I want to remember this for when these dreams deferred come true.  

I will send cash anonymously to those who are secretly scraping by and are much to proud to ask.  
I will buy coffee and fruit snacks for them when they can’t afford it.
I will give presents to their children when they can’t afford any presents themselves.
I will give them gas for their cars so they can get to work.  
Because you have all done this for me. And because the Lord is my help and my salvation.  I will tell them not to fear.  Courage comes from God.  

For now 
I find ways to help others because that makes my pain not feel so strong. A double batch of chili to share, free babysitting when I can.  Counting the gifts like Ann Voskamp told me.  Loving even when it hurts.  Praying for forgiveness and battling any bitterness that tries to take root."

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