A few years back I decided I wasn’t going to believe in Jesus because it's what my family does. I wasn’t going to believe because that’s what my school told me to do or because that’s what I’m supposed to do. I have to believe for my own reasons. I read as many books and articles as I could about why he did or didn’t exist. I stopped praying for a while to see if my life started to suck. I read the entire Bible with the most cynical attitude possible. I threw in my general gut feeling about everything. I don’t know if this was a reasonable, thoughtful, and responsible way to investigate my faith, but I that’s what I came up with.
There was more hard evidence that he did live than that he didn’t. My life didn’t really change without prayer, but prayer made me feel a whole lot better. The Bible didn’t make much sense to me, but the parts that were most consistent were the words in red ink. And maybe I’ve drank too much Jesus juice throughout my life, but believing in Him feels right.
So I look out now, out at fellow Christians. And boy, do we suck. Myself included. But of course we do. We’re not Jesus. He’s the savior, the ideal. He’s the top of the mountaintop, the highest height. Because He is so different from us, even those who profess to love him, he must be set apart for a reason. He’s must be “The One” because He’s completely unmatched. He is rightfully exalted because I know for a fact we damn sure don’t deserve to be.
Why don’t we stick closer to him? He was humble, accepting, and overtly loving. How come we struggle so immensely with those things? Jesus did plenty of uncomfortable things, why don’t we? What if we didn’t overcomplicate the religion and interject so much? Why do we act like we can’t find Him when he’s right there? I know we cant be Him, or even live relatively close to how He did. But I think we, as a religion, would suck a whole lot less if we didn’t stray so far away from Him.
The Church is supposed to be the embodiment of Him. It supposed to be a strict reflection of His essence and His way of life. By in large, I just don’t see it. The Church is too far away from Jesus for it to make sense to me. Sadly, I’ll probably keep losing faith in what Christianity is. But hopefully, that continues to give me more faith in Christ.